Seven Fans In Your Section

Toronto Raptors

Playoffs have started in the NHL and NBA.  Thank God. There’s no more questioning what to watch on TV or what to use as small talk with co-workers. I’m talking about and watching the games. If you don’t want to, talk to me in June.

Anyway, after attending a few regular season Raptors games, as well as game two last night, one thing became quite clear. You will always see the same characters at every sporting event. Even though this idea originiated at a basketball game, I’m sure it could be applied to any number of sports. I’ve seen girls overdress for games and over intense fans at MLB, NFL, NBA, and NHL games. It doesn’t matter if it’s a regular season game in October, or.. well, game two in the playoffs, these characters will be in your section, and if you have my luck they will either be right beside you or in front of you.

Luckily, when at a professional game for your favourite team, it’s hard to be in a bad mood.

Categorize these characters under game atmosphere and enjoy the game.

The Guy who Never Sits Down

It’s five minutes into the first quarter and this guy is acting like there’s 30 seconds left in the fourth and we’re down 2. I get you’re pumped up and can barely contain your excitement, but please, contain. I don’t know if it’s the fourth beer that had given you the bright idea to stand the entire time, or if you actually think it’s socially acceptable. Either way, stop. You’re obstructing the views of everyone behind you and when you clap when the home team gets a foul, because I know you’re not actually paying attention, we’re all going to laugh at you. I’m judging your dumbass haircut too.

The Overdressed Girl

When your boyfriend asked you to go to the Raptors game on a date you got really excited, didn’t you sweetie? And rightfully so.  I would much rather be taken to a basketball game than, well probably anything. But when you attend a sporting event on a date, let’s try to dress the part, okay? This means leaving the stilettos and band skirt at home. You’re going to look like a mess stumbling down those wide stairs as you make trips to the bathroom to fix your make up. Also, don’t wear silk. You’re sitting down and silk wrinkles. Plus, Gary to your left is elbow deep in cheese fries and his third hot dog with extra mustard. So, let’s leave the BCBG at home and stick with the a t-shirt. Trust me, if you have a nice ass, he’ll still notice.

The Guy who Cheers Like he has $50, 000 on the Line

This is the fan I understand least. How the hell do you yell either “Fuck” or “YESSSS” after every single play? I swear the veins in this fans neck look like they’re about to burst and their complexion turns a deep shade of red and purple. He kicks the chair in front of him in frustration and his girlfriend is talking to the other guy next to her and pretending not to know her boyfriend. He however, continues to look at her after every outburst to see if he’s won her approval yet. Jury’s still out on that one.

By the end of the game, this guy has lost his voice and his dignity.

The Out of Place Family

It seems in a sea of students or young professionals who are all ready to really get into the game, there will always be the family of four from the suburbs. Mom and Dad have driven their two boys, both under the age of ten to the big city to watch their favourite basketball game. However, by a weird twist of fate, they’re seated next to the drunkest, loudest, craziest fans at the game. Moms in this situation toss out dirty looks that they haven’t used since middle school and Dads try to distract the young sons from the profane language being used. This reaches its conclusion when a parent finally says something or the game ends.

The Girl who Only Takes Selfies

Despite sporting events maybe being the most stimulating event to attend live, it seems to this fan there are better things to do- like Instagram, and take selfies, right? I mean why attend a game if you can’t post at least ONE pic of you drinking from your ten dollar beer or in my case, five dollar diet coke. This girl cares less if a goal was scored as long as her brows look perfect in these pictures. I really don’t understand why they even go to games. Stay at home and take selfies. Or in the middle of the Gardiner, whatever.

The Backseat Coach 

You hear things like “Shoot!” and “Move the ball’ All. Game. Long. It’s as if the players can truly hear what this fan has to say. They give guiding tips the entire time like when to hold onto the ball, or when to put on a certain player on a shift. It’s so annoying for the following reasons…

1. No one cares

2. If anyone did care, they can’t hear you

3. Those around you are probably thinking similar things (if you know a thing or two) and we don’t need someone yelling obvious things when all my energy needs to be focused on ensuring DeRozen doesn’t dribble the ball off his knee.

The Outsider

They cheer for other team and seemingly put their life on the line at times. They stand during the home team’s foul shots and the urge to throw some of my bulk candy at them is  sometimes too much (like I would waste any of my candy on such a specimen), These fans are so annoying. If you want to cheer for the other team, go to the standing section, or sit by the bar- alone. You are not among friends.

So, enjoy the playoffs and next time you’re at a game, be sure to keep an eye out for one of these characters in their natural habitat.


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