Biggie laid down the Ten Crack Commandments which taught a young hustler how to get in the game and be successful. Now, I’m presenting you with the Seven Deadly Sins of Instagram. There are some rules you just have to follow and other things you must avoid. Unfortunately, too many people are missing the memos. Let me lay it down for you, before you embarrass yourself anymore.
Thou shall not like/post a picture after 3:30am
As far as the world thinks- you are asleep at this time. Even if you are not asleep in real life. You are on your virtual one. Or at least pretend to be. Of course, you may check up on Insta but please, refrain from liking or posting a picture. Even if the person who posted the pic sees it in the morning, they can still do 10am- 3hrs math pretty easily. No good comes after 3:30am, but sometimes bad is just what you want anyways, right?
Thou shall not post multiple pictures of the same thing/your face
Why do you think I need to see a new picture of your cat once a week? Seriously, I would love for a frequent cat Instagramer to answer me this question. Then I want the hoards of girls around the world to stop taking selfies. I don’t care if the selfie is traditional duck face, one of you in one of a thousand different yoga posses that makes you look like a pretzel (ps. who is taking these pictures? or is your self timer game that strong?!), or a selfie of you which is disguised as a family pic because your great aunt is beside you. I have a feeling you won’t get any likes from the women in her bridge club. It’s still a selfie, sweetheart. And finally, stop with the food. The occasional meal, like the occasional selfie or pet picture, I don’t mind. Sometimes there’s a time and place but it’s not every morning as you make yet another smoothie with leaves, grains, oats, and a banana…”for flavour.” I get it, you eat healthier than I do. You don’t have to be a basic bitch about it.
Thou shall not like any post other than the most recent
It’s just a known rule. We all go back and check out some past pictures of this person or that bitch person, but under NO circumstance shall you like or comment on a picture that is not the most recent. If the most recent is more than a week old, you must not like or comment on that either. Just don’t. You look thirsty and do you want to be exposed for being bored on your couch on a Tuesday night and going through people’s Instagram profiles? I don’t think so. There are exceptions to this rule- you can like whatever you want on any best friends, family members or gay best friend’s pictures. The gays will still call you out, but secretly love it. They’re the sassiest.
Thou shall defer from having an embarrassing search history
You open up your Instagram to search for something for a friend. You go to your search history and go to type in the name. What is going to pop up in your search history? Do you know? Is it three different girls you’ve tried to get with? Is it your mortal enemy? Is it an embarrassing puppy and me Instagram account? Don’t slip up on your search history. But hey, Instagram, let’s toss the kids a favour and make a delete feature for that in the next version. Kthanks.
Thou shall not like like any adult actors/actresses pics (especially after 3am)
It’s bad enough when you start following a porn star because people can see that in their recent news. Wait, you knew that, right? It’s pretty funny because you can usually guess the the porn star, from the bar star from how many x’s they have in their name. Either way, there is under no circumstance a time when you should then follow up this follow with a like. The porn start will still post countless pictures of her ass or tits despite you tossing down a like. Trust me, she knows you like it. This is mostly directed at guys on Instagram. Girls, you must not like your wheels’ Insta after 3am. He doesn’t need to know you’re up or that he’s remotely close to the first thing on your mind. Scroll on hunni, scroll on.
Thou shall not self add
I’ve had this happen before and it’s the worst. When someone, probably a creepy dude at the bar says, “Are you on Instagram? Start following me” and literally stares at you until you reach in your purse- don’t even try to stumble over it, he has all the time in the world for you to grab that phone and start typing his name into the search bar. Boom. Suddenly you’re following Greg Buttkiss and all your friends know. To the Gregs of the world- stop this. If you don’t think I’m going to block you immediately after your departure, you’re more delusional than I thought.
Thou shall not have a bad ratio
A classic rule. It is better to be followed than to be following. Let’s not let those ratios slip too badly. If you follow 1200 people and only have 500 followers, you’re doing it wrong.
So let’s all play by the rules, well, on Instagram at least.
Claire McArthur 